The Same Old Shit

talkin on the phone

2005-02-06T20:42:10Z

i got a new car... 2004 honda civic
ha! my car is way better than larissa's... fuck you larissa for making me post

i'm such a lazy ass

a clipping from my journal (which i have been writing in more thanks to anne)

2004-11-28T22:29:04Z

i understand that i am searching in all the wrong places- i don't want to love an alcoholic and a liar, still i simply cannot help believing there is more to a soul, more to your soul, than that... human desire is so selfish, the need for personal pleasure, but i see that there is more to it than that. why kiss someone gently with lips closed? it is an expression of emotion, not just of some need for personal gratification... all these complexities, and that is the beauty of the human... could it be that all a person really amounts to is the damage they cause? i refuse to believe it, people are more, they have experiences and failures, they have beauty and pain, we love and therefore we are more than the damage we create.

and it is possible there in lies my problem, i believe people are better than they seem

i want someone to share my life with, i long for the comfort of loving and being loved

round and round we go

2004-11-27T16:41:02Z

it is a terrible cycle, my dad has cancer so my house sucks, my house sucks so i leave, i leave only to return to feel guilty because i left because my house sucks because my dad has cancer. but i have so much more fun when i am gone pretending none of this exists...

music to kill yourself by

2004-11-23T01:57:36Z

i like that i don't know anymore
it used to make me wonder
but now i take comfort in letting go
yeah- you still run across my mind
i'm not trying to deny
and i still have my memories
old cars, old songs, old places
old jokes, old smiles, old faces
old you- lightly dusted with time
just the way i like it

don't know much about your new bling
heard you're changing everything
adding more of all that i hated
back when we dated

i wish you the best
i hope you have your cake and eat it too
choke

that's the way i like it
not so scared to turn corners
in my life, no need to look back
i have so many reasons to look ahead

your new car
your new place
your new girlfriend
and all her sixteen years
you can have it all babe-

that's a set of problems i don't need to keep

woundedbyyou @ 2004-11-21T17:25:00

2004-11-21T23:54:16Z

i was planning on posting an entry, but whenever my dad is sick he screams all the time... right now he's pissed at me because i didn't come home friday night (must be having sex), came home way late saturday (must be having more sex), and didn't go to church sunday morning (must be leaving jesus for sex), but he won't say any of that... so he's screaming at me about the stereo on the computer being blown, which we both know i didn't have anything to do with- sometimes i just want to leave all this shit, tell them all to go to hell

my day at mayo

2004-11-09T03:24:13Z

well, we talked to a few doctors and they said that they thought another surgery was simply out of the picture since he has had two already and his insides are so unusual and filled with scar tissue... they suggested some more chemo therapy (this will be his fourth round, each time with different medicines) to stop, slow or possibly even reduce the size of the cancer. my parents go back tomorrow and will probably be up there for four or five days so my dad can take a blood test, a ct scan and a pet scan to get more information and then start chemo after all that is done (if all goes as planned). his chemo regimen will be three days a month (or atleast close to a month) all in row... the first time he does the chemo he will be in the hospital so they can make sure they can monitor how well he handles the chemo, since the last chemo he was on took his blood counts so low he had to be in isolation for a week. he's really strong this time though, so i don't think that will happen at all... last time it was only 5 months after his 10 hour surgery, so he was still really weak.

you know, my dad has been facing this for almost five years... and as one of the doctors put it he is already living on borrowed time

my dad is unbelievably strong

so... fuck the world!

2004-11-07T05:25:17Z

my friday night sucked ass, i went over to my sister devon's house and watched a way dumb movie and then we got in a little tiff about some education class she's taking and how all undergrad students are just out for the paper and not for the education. in my case that isn't so, even though i know the paper will benefit me, i want the education more... and then she told me that i should take comp one and two with this professor because she is really good, but i would have to work a lot. i don't want to work a lot in comp. to me, from what i have heard, it is an uninteresting requirement and quiet a few people said that they knew most of what they learned anyway. ugh, so there in lies the tiff. anyway, after that i went home and went to bed in a pissed off mood.

then, this morning i wake up and leisurely take a shower and get ready... and suddenly my mom comes screaming into the house about how i have to pick up the shit in the backyard. okay, it's my dog and it's my responsibility, but don't yell, we all have enough stress already. and then my younger sister mindy, she totally flips out about how i need to do it and that i am a stupid bitch. what the hell? how does this argument have anything to do with her, she never cleans up after her dogs shit either! so, i go upstairs and close my bedroom door and barricade it with my body. but apparently she did'nt get the message that i wanted to be left alone and she pushed open my door enough to stick her hand through, and then when i leaned against it and tried to close it she literally fucking clawed my eyeballs out and left scratches all over my face and i'll probably have bruises. then, because she has no idea when to stop she kept yelling shit and trying to get me to open the door, when i finally did we kinda brawled in the hall for a little while and she tried to bite me, fucking bite me. who the hell does that? i think that maybe she is on drugs again, she always gets way more emotional and way stronger when she is on drugs... anyway, i shoved her in the face and got her off me. i wish so bad that instead of an open hand i would have fucking jacked her in the face... someday, maybe someday.

so then, i went on a walk, crying all the time, and guess who i ran into? my grandma... try explaining a bleeding face and bawling to your grandma. ugh, and i told her that i didn't want to talk about it and that i just wanted to be alone, but she kept driving back, and finally she got it out of me that it was mindy that i got in a fight with... just another reason for grandma to hate mindy. fuck fuck fuck then, my parents had friends of theres and family (not mindy) over for a lunch thing and i had to explain what happened to all of them like ten times... i hate that! anyway, they were all talking later and i found out that the doctors said my dad had 90 days... but, aside from that my lug group went well, and now i'm hanging out at christina's place...

i dare anybody to try and beat that for a shitty day! (i suppose some people could... but very few, very very few!) anyway, i'm off to go hang out and pretend that none of this exists

oh- and sorry chad for not calling... i just needed to crash really bad last night

i send my love to you all!

woundedbyyou @ 2004-11-05T17:54:00

2004-11-05T23:58:54Z

i hate it when people don't respond instantly to everything i write... i am not so much upset with them, people have lives, just annoyed with the whole idea of patients in particular situations... i worked all day today, and now it's friday night and i really feel like doing something, i just don't know what i want to do... i have a ton of shit i need to get done, but i feel like i never really have any time to relax or just go out and have a good time, ugh... such dilemmas

my family and i are going to rochester on monday and i know that is wearing on me

i suck at livejournaling

2004-11-01T20:54:14Z

as i was looking back i realized that i didn't post for a month... that's a long ass time, and now i really wish i had, not so much for any of you, but just to know the shit i was up to... journals are a wonderful way to keep track of the past (i know this from larissa) so i am going to try to post a little more often

saturday morning (don't know how to say this nicely, so i'll be blunt like usual) i found out my dad has cancer again (i'll know more next monday...) and then spent the day with my family eating leftovers and carving pumpkins, went to lug and after that i hung out at chads, meet one of his friends ryan and continuously harassed him about smoking (he's a nice guy though, he took it all very well, we would get along), watched donnie darko and slept on his couch... chad and i talked about how great it was when my parents were gone and all of us "lived" at my house for a while... that was great, it really was

sunday i slept in, went on a walk with my family, it was so beautiful out... a little chilly, but just such a great day and that was really nice, then i went trick-or-treating with my niece and nephew... then leah called and made me put on my costume in five minutes and rushed me out the door to go with her, ryan, and james to a haunted house in cedar rapids... i had a good time doing that, it wasn't that scary, but really well done none-the-less...

and then so far today i have just been workin... and in about three minutes i will head back to work, fun fun! if anyone feels up to doing something to night i'm all about it, so let me know!

i send my love

my hair is black now

2004-10-30T23:17:15Z

my halloween party went really well, i thought it was great fun! i love dinner parties, we need to have them more, and i was also thinking that we (and by we i mean anyone interested) should have a board game night once a month at different people's places... cause it is a bummer how i don't see some of you often enough... and board games rock my world! and i'll buy frazzled (for those of you who don't know, it's a beautiful board game!) for the first board game night... what day works best for you all? i was thinking maybe next weekend... okay now some individual comments on my party

larissa- my mom took care of a ton of the mess, she is so great, so don't feel bad about leaving early, work schedules fucking suck... and thanks for coming, and being a good sport about the costume! i love hanging out with you and katy, i should come down more often, it really is such a short drive

katy- don't cry! my parties are usually very low stress for everyone but me, i always freak out before them, but everything works out and in the end there is no reason to freak out! thanks for coming... and i am glad that you got to hang out with larissa's friends from high school... they are good kids!

drew- sexy sexy drew... thanks for coming- and put me on your friends list right now!

chad- you fucking rat bastard (no, i'm totally joking...) what was up with just not coming? i had really looked forward to seeing you again... since we never hang out anymore...

esther-(i know you weren't at my party, but i have something important to say) have i wrote back to your email? cause i can't remember if i have or not, i know i started to, but i don't know if i ever sent it... yeah, so get back to me on that.

i am alive

2004-10-24T19:59:19Z

i just haven't really had much to write about, plus my computer is a piece of shit and slow as fuck, so yeah... i am alive!

woundedbyyou @ 2004-09-22T00:06:00

2004-09-22T05:09:29Z

my words only echo

against the backdrop of the stars

and the universe remains

same-as-always

just-another-day

run-of-the-mill

somethings-missing

me-without-you

unchanged

alone

woundedbyyou @ 2004-09-21T09:34:00

2004-09-21T14:44:14Z

i fear that i will continue

to rot

in this half-hearted state

i do believe it is unfair

that you have taken the

blood-pumping living half

and left me, alone

with the dried and shrvieled

blue-black coal i once called

the other half of my heart

woundedbyyou @ 2004-09-07T21:45:00

2004-09-08T02:54:06Z

i just got back from american government... i was a little leary of this class because i have heard that it is both hard and uninteresting, however, that is not the case at all. after that class i always feel lead to do something great, make a difference... to create change for the better. in fact, i think that i would like to be involved in politics at some point in my life, i mean beyond just voting... but i require further education on this subject. there is so much to know, and in truth i know so little.

a little time between classes

2004-09-07T17:32:52Z

i don't suppose i'm that particular anymore,
all i want is a beautiful man,
with the smell of wild in his hair,
the passion of fire in his eyes,
the taste of sugar in his kiss,
the touch of love in his hands,
and a natural inability to leave me.

woundedbyyou @ 2004-09-03T10:49:00

2004-09-03T15:51:44Z

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father, " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

don't wanna talk about it

2004-09-03T02:44:01Z

just thought i would let you know that i saw kalen at village inn with a girl last night... they were not touching or holding each other in anyway, but i still could not stand to sit there with them in the same building. calmly, i paid and walked out without saying a word to him, or looking at her. i would hate to have some girls face in mind when i thought about him... ugh. that was an amazing feet of self-restraint.

he always told me he hated village inn, and it was 10 at night, he always told me he wanted to go home because he had to get up early. fucking asshole.

fucking asshole.

woundedbyyou @ 2004-08-27T21:58:00

2004-08-28T03:47:15Z

last night i was writing a really great entry during the storm... and then the power shut off, i lost everything. i don't even really know what i was saying, but i'm gonna try again anyway.

wednesday - got my hair cut, had final youth group (sad, because i feel that greg will simply walk out the back door of my life, and the church and never be seen or heard from again... and that angers me, plus i know it will leave a big hole in my life.) and kalen dropped off some of my stuff to me at the church. it was hard to see him, as it always is, but i didn't die. the only thing that really sticks out in my mind right now is that he was nice, but in a callous way told me that he used to think that i was much more mature than him, and now he didn't think that at all. it didn't hurt my feelings because i thought he was trying to be mean about it, it hurt me way worse than that because i'm pretty damn sure that he didn't intend it to be mean, he was simply stating the way it was. i cried about this for hours, alone in my bedroom. a person who used to love, respect and admire me for my maturity, and many other things doesn't feel that way anymore. when i was a junior in high school, had i asked him how my life would turn out he would have told me that i could have anything i could dream, and that i would be amazing and make huge contributions to the world, and he would have given me the indication that my life would be happy and better than his, worth more or something. if i were to pose that same question now though, i don't even know how he would respond, and i sure as hell know that there would be absolutely no indication of my life, my worth, being more than his... and it's not that i want to be better than him, or have a better life than his, although of course that does play into it since he was the one who left me... i think mostly though, i just want him to believe in me more than he believes in himself, because he used to. i pretend to be independent, but mainly i am dependent, because i thrive on people depending on me, and when i don't have that i feel worthless... and he doesn't depend on me anymore. fuck. he says he wants to be friends, but that's hard for me, and it's not just immaturity. i really loved him, like marriage and kids loved him... i felt like we almost had that, like we were strong enough to have that. how do you do friendship with that in your mind? i mean, there aren't many divorced people who are friends (i know, we never got married, but we dated for a long time, and in many ways came close to that relationship...) and maybe it is possible, but i don't know if it's something i can do. although i also am not ready to say that i am willing to push him away by saying i can't be friends. fuck. fuck. fuck.

thursday - had school all day. my lit group consists of a dumb guy and two girls who just graduated high school... and i have to do a presentation with them, damn it. i talked to joe more in my ed psych class. he is very quiet, and his presence makes small talk difficult, but i don't feel comfortable talking about real shit either... maybe some day though, when i am having a bad day i will tell him all about it and he will respond with unexpected insight... he really intrigues me, and i want to crack him. i am excited about my photo assignment and can't wait to start working on it... it is suppose to be about color in the hcc parking lot, i was thinking about doing shoes, but then when i told the professor about it she announced it to the class, and some of the other girls seemed intrigued by the idea, so i don't want to do it if they are doing it, i mean it was my goddamn idea, i don't understand why she had to announce it. so i might just go back to doing the suggested thing, vehicles, except i would do all truck and i would do way cool shots just to show her fucking ass that if she ruins my ideas i will just come back with way cooler things.
bitch! oh, my social issues class is good, i walked into the room, and walked to the back when i noticed someone smiling at me. it was bobby, this kid who was in my ethics class last semester, we talked some, and i like him. his smile was really inviting and way friendly, so since my goal is to make more friends and be more outgoing, i picked up my stuff and moved to the seat next to him... i thought that was brave of me. anyway, so we talked and had a good time during that class, i have a buddy! yeah! and he even made fun of me, showing a new level of comfort, and laughed when i got the tardy policy because he remembered that i was always always late to our ethics class... plus, at the end of class we walked out together and he said something like, "my car is out this way (the opposite direction i was heading) so i guess i'll see you next week." i have found that when you walk out of a classroom with someone (on purpose, by waiting or hurrying) and there is a formal good-bye it means you are friends, like if you saw each other out you could actually stop and talk a while friends. so i thought that was cool. i think i am going to try to walk out with joe, from ed psych, sometime... i want to crack that damn kid, i don't know why, but i just really want to get him talking

today - i worked all damn day, but money is always nice... and i found out that next week i have 26 hours! hell yeah! i felt like the week shouldn't be over, it went to fast or something, but at the same time i am exhausted, and could easily head off to bed now... tonight i finished the book "the things they carried". it is actually the second time i read it, but i couldn't remember it all. that was a good book, i really really like the quote in it about writing... i don't have the book with me right now, but i will post it soon, i just don't have the energy to go get it from upstairs and then type more...

hey es - what's up? you gonna write me anytime soon? i love you
oh, and larissa, dearest one, usually so prompt about reply... what the hell's up?

i know, i know, everyones life is crazy, but i would love to hear from you.

oh, and just in case you are reading this anne, i will not be coming down this saturday, however, i do want to see you soon, and i will be writing you even sooner!

night all... i send my love

woundedbyyou @ 2004-08-26T00:19:00

2004-08-26T05:20:12Z

i don't know my ass from my head right now

first day of classes

2004-08-25T01:59:28Z

it all went pretty well, there was a friendly cf high grad, sean klein, that sat next to me in my first class, he will be nice to talk with, you know someone to pass the time... in my second class there was this kid joe, who i had ethics with... and, i believe, was also a cf grad, although he is pretty quiet, i think i am comfortable enough with him that i can talk. in my third class there is no one that i really know, tim dodd was there, but he didn't say anything to me, and i didn't say anything to him, i have no clue if he even knows who i am... and no one seemed all that friendly, so that could suck... but hopefully i will find someone to be my friend in that class. i my last class, my once a week class, american gov. there was really no one i even knew of aside from melissa dunlevy, and i don't know her at all... and actually there were a lot of scary people in that class... ye-ha! well, at least my first classes will go alright! anyway, my mom is back and we are reading the things they carried, so i'm off to read!

oh, and some random really hot guy said hello (hello, not hi) to me in the hall, that's always a plus

see ya later

here i am again

2004-08-21T03:23:10Z

i just got done watching 13 going on 30, which i thought was a really cute movie, i can't help it that those silly love stories get to me. anyway, i am suppose to go out with gloria, and i really wanted to, but now, i am just tired and she is probably already a little drunk... so i think i will just stay in and work on my poetry books, which by no means is bad, i just thought that maybe it would be nice if i went out and met some more people. well, i'm going upstairs now, night all

i painted my nails blue

2004-08-16T23:20:52Z

right now i am locked in the office because my parents and my sister are upstairs talking, so i figured i may as well us this time to post an new entry. today gloria, a girl from daycare, and i made plans to go to a party on friday... she is a really fun and funny girl so i am excited to see where she is taking me, plus that means i am busy wednesday, thursday, and friday night... and then all day sunday, and i like being busy, especially when it is all things i want to do, such as this week... and then classes start on monday, which i am kinda excited for, but also dreading. today was relatively uneventful, and i don't have much to say, i just thought maybe i should post...

yeah, see you around!

downstairs in the office freezing my feet off

2004-08-14T05:33:37Z

kalen stopped by tonight, he said he wanted to pick up the box his cd player came in cause it stopped working, but he stayed for a while and talked (actually a surprisingly long time, and we talked about politics too, which he seemed much more versed about, i don't know if he has been keeping up with it, or just following the lead of someone who has, but i was impressed by some of the things he said, including a quote from winston church-hill, not that i would agree with it all, but i was impressed none the less) and it wasn't as hard for me to see him as i thought it would be. all my emotions are in such a jumble i don't even really know how i feel anymore, i didn't try to kiss him, not even on the cheek and i didn't hug him either, in fact i hardly touched him at, and i didn't tell him that i loved him or missed him or anything along those lines, all of which is really hard for me to do because i am so used to having that comfort and being able to do all of those things, so be proud of me, even if it seems a small feet to you. we didn't fight either, so i had no mean words to come in and sulk about after taking to him, and that was a nice change, not that he really ever tries to be mean, it just always seems to end up that way. so, my emotions stayed relatively steady tonight, even with him stopping by, which surprised me, i thought for sure i would have to cry myself to sleep, but that may not be the case.

right now i am drinking door county cherry soda, that is damn good if i may say so myself, and after this i am to bed, so have a good night all

oh- and here's a poem

you upgraded

you had on a rolex,
a fucking rolex,
i don't even know how to spell that shit
with my poor ass paycheck
but i can tell you,
that watch i bought you for christmas
i worked damn hard for it

seems you're getting a lot of upgrades lately,
but that one,
that fucking stung.

an on the spot poem... read with passion and anger

2004-08-14T02:47:52Z

can't you just leave me alone,
my bones have had all they can take
i am broken already
is that not enough for you?
my heart does not need to race and pound
in anticipation of the mean things
you might say
i am tired of having my excitement
only mean something detrimental to come
i am ready for a new love,
out with you damnit...
i am ready to move on
i have cried my tears and mourned a loves death,
and that is done
pack up now
take your shit and go
i don't hate your face,
i just don't want to see it
and be reminded of a home that is now dead to me

ugh...

2004-08-12T21:24:40Z

i don't really know why, but i have this overwhelming sense of dread. i don't want to go back to school, i don't want to go back to work, i don't want to get my wisdom teeth out, and i don't really want to go home at all, but i am bored out of my mind here... ugh, i guess i just want someone to come and rescue me from boredom, and i know, school will certainly make life less boring, hopeful i will meet some cool people, but i really just want someone amazing to come into my life, i hate having to "meet" new people, and i'm not that good at it either, so i'm it just comes naturally that would be wonderful. i love what i am doing right now, my plans to become a teacher, and continue my education... working with the youth group is wonderful, and i like my daycare job a lot, i just really wish i had someone to share it with, i want someone to share my life with, and all the day to day shit... and i want to be that for someone. i'm just tired of being alone, and i know, it hasn't even been that long that kalen and i have been apart, but i was alone for more than half of that relationship anyway...

i'm tired of being alone, i want someone to love me